


something so tragic about you (something so magic about you)

by actuallyshua



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Disability, Disabled Character, Established Relationship, Independence, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Relationship Discussions, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:27:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28622550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actuallyshua/pseuds/actuallyshua
Summary: Yes. Sangyeon's life did revolve around Eric.But it never slowed down because of it.Eric reached his hands up to cup Sangyeon's cheeks, the pale of his skin a sharp contrast to Sangyeon's sunkissed own, "I love you, you know?""I do know." Sangyeon placed a feather light kiss to Eric's left hand, "And I love you all the same."Or -Eric tries something new
Relationships: Lee Juyeon/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin, Lee Sangyeon/Son Youngjae | Eric
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	something so tragic about you (something so magic about you)

**Author's Note:**

> this is absolute mush sorry about it
> 
> eric's disabled in this fic. he relies on a wheelchair the same way that i do. there's a strange feeling about the way other people perceive you, about the things you think you can and cannot do, when you're disabled. i guess i wanted to showcase a small piece of that with this. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy
> 
> not beta'd i went into this blind like always YA YA YA

When Eric was a little boy, he dreamed of the sky. He dreamed of dancing between clouds, bouncing off of them on clumsy feet like they were made of spring loaded trampolines. He saw himself floating amongst the stars. Touching them with delicate hands, he'd hold their light close to his chest and feel their warmth. 

He still dreamed of the sky. He'd gaze up at the blackness, the brilliance of the universe drowned out by harsh city lights, and imagine the speckles of constellations. 

It was just different now. 

When Eric was a teenager, he began to think of love. He watched with usually tired, but wide and curious nevertheless, as his friends would begin to hold hands with classmates. Sneak kisses in the hallways and pluck up the courage to ask one of the girls from homeroom to the spring dance. Kevin and Eric weren't like their classmates, they both realized. At different times but together still, they connected through their shared attractions, so to say. Kevin met Juyeon their final year of high school, Eric having to listen to him lament over the dancer every day until two days before the end of year when Kevin finally sought up enough courage to actually speak to Juyeon.

Two became three and Eric began to _really_ think of love. He'd sit across from them in bustling coffee shops and never shy away when they would hold hands, fingers interlocked on top of the stained hardwood tables. He'd smile. He smiled even now. 

He still thought of love. 

It was just different now. 

Less of a dream, maybe.

For Eric, the world was a lot smaller than it was for other people. 

Sometimes that was a metaphor. Smaller in the sense that he couldn't join Kevin and Juyeon on their sometimes long weekend adventures out to the mountains. Smaller because he had to pay extra for a floor level apartment and a larger bathroom and a parking space. Smaller because, aside from his friends, everyone seemed to talk to him like he was a lost child crying for his mother in the middle of a crowded amusement park. Treated like a baby bird with a broken wing. 

Sometimes it was literal. 

Being in a wheelchair made his line of sight different than the towering Jueyon or the ever bouncing Kevin. He'd grown tired of wheeling himself up to a counter in a shop only to be looked over so Juyeon started doing all his shopping for him. Kevin would order their drinks at bars or coffeeshops under the guise of wanting to be the good guy who handles it all, but they all knew. It was because Eric never liked the way people had to look down on him. 

It wasn't their fault. Of course they had to. But it was a pill he could never swallow. It was too large, too jagged, it would get stuck in his throat and make him feel like was suffocating. 

Eric was freshly twenty-one the first time he felt like he could breathe under the gaze of a stranger. 

Kevin was working that day and Juyeon was too wrapped up at his dance studio to meet Eric for their usual midday caffeine reup, leaving him to fend for himself. His favorite barista, Changmin, was cleaning off tables when Eric rolled in, flashing him a bright smile paired with an excited wave. He informed Eric that there was a new kid at the register and to go easy on him, it was his first day. 

That was never an issue, really. Considering all Eric ever ordered was a latte. 

The face at the counter wasn't the bright eyed, not yet tainted by horrible orders, fresh out of high school trainee that Eric was expecting. He was older, not by much, and didn't hesitate when Eric made his way up, hands clenched tightly against the wheels that carried him. There was no once over, no strange glosses of pity or worry over his eyes. 

He leaned forward against the counter on his elbows, Eric suddenly feeling like he finally fit in this world, and smiled like he meant it. 

His name was Sangyeon. 

And Eric stopped caring if his friends were too busy to join him for coffee after that. 

It didn't happen the way Eric always thought it would. Falling in love, that is. 

Maybe that was because he outgrew those thoughts at such a tender age. When Kevin and Juyeon were moving in together, Eric was seated on their couch unwrapping mugs from bubble wrap and it was then he decided that this wasn't a life that was meant for him. The universe would never give him such a beautifully domestic gift when everything about him had to be so _safe._

Just like a mug. Bundled up in bubble wrap.

Because love wasn't safe. 

Love was taking risks and sometimes taking a fall. It was putting yourself in harm's way. Getting hurt. 

Eric wasn't allowed to take risks. 

He couldn't afford to get hurt. 

But just as Sangyeon wasn't the barista Eric expected, it turned out he wasn't the person Eric expected either. 

He was eye level. He was soft spoken without condescending. He was Eric changing his café stop schedule from every other day to every day. 

He became texts every night. Blossomed into jeans, a white t-shirt, and a flannel when Eric met him for the first time outside of the café. Morphed into his days off spent on Eric's couch, his nights in his bed. 

And that was when the cement hardened.

Sangyeon's roommates, Chanhee and Sunwoo, spent days in Eric's place amongst Sangyeon's things as he unpacked. Chanhee lamented as he hung up Sangyeon's sweaters that their place was going to feel so empty in his absence. Eric believed him. Because Sangyeon took up all of the space that Eric didn't. 

Sangyeon hung up pictures of them on the beige walls, magnetized some of the art Kevin had drawn for them onto the fridge like a proud parent. 

He turned Eric's place of residence, which often times felt more like a stale hospital than anything, into a home. 

Their home. 

Even now, as Sangyeon was puttering about the place with a broom in hand and eyebrows furrowed in concentration, that feeling never faded. 

"How does all this dust collect so fast? I just cleaned two days ago." 

Eric looked up from his book and smiled lightly at the sight, "You keep leaving all the windows open." 

"It's too cold in here and our heat is busted! It's bad for your joints. Plus, letting the summer sun in here is good for all of us." 

He looked down to his lap, legs tucked under three blankets that Sangyeon had forced upon him. Sangyeon always remembered those things. He always would, Eric was convinced. It hadn't taken long for Sangyeon to adapt to Eric's way of life. He never complained, when their heat was working, about the sometimes scorching temperatures that Eric needed to feel comfortable. 

He'd just sleep on top of the comforter with a small fan on his nightstand pointing directly at his face. 

"What time is everyone coming over?" 

"In a couple hours. Kevin said he's bringing the wine which means he's bringing a case of bottles and everyone is going to pass out in our living room." Sangyeon flashed him a knowing look, to which Eric laughed, "Did you want me to get the bath started for you now or wait until later?" 

A bridge to cross.

Or at least that's what his therapist would call this moment. 

It wasn't a new feeling to Eric. The crushing realization of lost independence. But getting into a serious relationship made that, like everything else, different. Sangyeon wasn't overbearing the way his parents had been. Didn't shadow his every moment to make sure he was okay, didn't coddle him like he was a forever baby. Sangyeon would let Eric be Eric. And sure, he would watch with careful eyes from wherever he was seated, poke his head in the bathroom door during baths to make sure he was alright. But he never impeded on Eric's autonomy. 

Eric wanted to run his own bath. Be human enough to get himself into it. 

"I can do it." 

Sangyeon paused his movements for a fraction of a second, a shadow of an emotion Eric couldn't quite pinpoint flashing over his face before his features softened and he nodded just a few times, "Alright. Are you sure? You know I don't mind. I've never minded it." 

"I know you don't. But I need to start doing things like this on my own. I want to. What would I do if you or our friends weren't around to help? Just sit around in my stink until someone was able to come around?" 

"They make wipes and stuff for that." Sangyeon countered smartly and Eric rolled his eyes, tossing the blankets off of his lap and pulling his body to the edge of the couch.

"Cute. I'm being serious!" He held out his hands, to which Sangyeon quickly responded, dropping the broom and coming over to help him off the couch and into his chair, "Haseul says I need to be more vocal about when I want to be independent rather than just sit and get angry and in my own head." 

"Well, what does Haseul know, hm?" Sangyeon helped Eric get situated before leaning forward, rubbing their noses together with a playful grin. 

"A lot more than you."

"Ouch!" Sangyeon pulled away, just a few millimeters, and dropped their game, looking into Eric's eyes with nothing but sincerity filling his iris', "I agree with her, as I always do. You know you can always tell me to back off. I never want you to feel suffocated by me or that I'm trying to play doctor. I'm just your boyfriend, at the end of the day, and I'll always be here. Near or far. Whatever you need." 

And that, Eric knew, was one of the many reasons why his visions of love were now _different._

Before he completely gave up on love, before unwrapping those mugs in Kevin and Juyeon's apartment, he always thought that whoever he ended up with would be nothing like Sangyeon. Perhaps his visions were more like nightmares. Filled with resentments, feelings of lost life, time wasted on taking care of him. 

He felt bad sometimes. 

Conversations left between he and Haseul in her office, with Eric on her couch and one the pillows in his nervous hands, and maybe one day between he and Sangyeon. But for now, he would cry to her that sometimes the guilt of making Sangyeon chase him would chew on his heart. Despite how easy it was for them to talk, to get to know each other, it took a lot longer for Sangyeon to actually step through the threshold of Eric's life. 

Eric used to call himself a parasite. 

Sucking away opportunities, date nights out, a full life lived because he just _couldn't_ do it. 

He didn't call himself that anymore. At least, he tried not to.

Because Sangyeon never gave him any reason to. 

With Sangyeon, there was never anything that Eric couldn't do. For every time Juyeon and Kevin would go on a backpacking adventure, Sangyeon would take him to the beach. For every bar Chanhee wanted to go that didn't have handicap accessibility, Sangyeon would plan dinner and drinks for all their friends at their apartment instead. 

Yes. Sangyeon's life did revolve around Eric. 

But it never slowed down because of it. 

There were times when the guilt would cast a shadow over him. But it never lingered for too long. Eric would swallow it, a less jagged pill than others. 

Eric reached his hands up to cup Sangyeon's cheeks, the pale of his skin a sharp contrast to Sangyeon's sunkissed own, "I love you, you know?" 

"I do know." Sangyeon placed a feather light kiss to Eric's left hand, "And I love you all the same." 

A few kisses, this time shared between lips and not hands, later and Sangyeon wheeled Eric to the bathroom door, standing behind him and Eric able to feel the nerves bouncing off of him. He leaned his head back, the top landing on Sangyeon's stomach, and looked up at him with his own nervous heart beating in his chest. He wanted to be confident. Giving Sangyeon more reasons to worry was really the last thing he wanted but truly, he'd never really done this by himself before. 

Before Sangyeon, there was Kevin. 

Before Kevin, there was his mom. 

He remembered Haseul's words, spoken just two days before. 

_"You're your own person, Eric. You're allowed to try new things. And if it doesn't work out this time, don't call it a failure. Call it a trial. Let yourself be afraid of the change, let yourself ask for help if it becomes overwhelming. But never, no matter what, tell yourself that you failed. Sangyeon won't be mad at you for trying. He won't be mad at you for living."_

"I'm going to be okay." 

Sangyeon looked down, offering up a small smile, "I know. I know. Can you at least do me one favor, if I can ask?"

"Of course." 

"Can you leave the door open? Just in case." 

A fair compromise, Eric thought. And really, he knew that would help to ease some of his own worries. 

"Deal." 

Sangyeon leaned down, kissing his forehead twice before locking the chair and taking a deep breath that was surely enough for the two of them. 

"Thank you. I'll get you some towels and your clothes. And then I'm gone!" He dramatically threw his hands up in the air, eliciting a laugh from Eric at the sight, "Hands off." 

Sangyeon's tasks, along with a final check in that Eric really didn't need his help, were finished and he disappeared into the living room. Eric heard the television turn on, volume still low enough that Sangyeon would be able to hear him if he called for him, and he looked into the bathroom. The tub had always been accessible for him, wide and with study bars for him to pull himself up on. But the journey to get there never seemed so long. 

From his angle, it seemed like the bathtub was down a long hallway, almost taunting him. 

Eric looked down at his legs, swallowed whole in the pair of Sangyeon's sweatpants he was wearing, and drummed on them with his hands for a moment. He couldn't feel much these days, nothing pleasant at least. It was always two extremes, really. 

Numb or excruciating. 

That was how it had always been. Sometimes, he felt like he was so used to the pain that he wouldn't cry over it. He would just lay in bed, eyes closed tight and staying as still as he possibly could. Sangyeon would hold him, talk to him about anything and nothing to keep his mind anywhere but within his burning, wasted away muscle. And sometimes, he almost preferred those days. Feeling pain over absolutely _nothing_ made him feel like he was still a person. 

Eric nodded to himself, a gesture of self pep talking perhaps, before reaching his hands out and grasping the counter tightly. He was never that strong, never had too many opportunities for growth, and moving himself around was difficult, a mountain he usually avoided climbing over. As he pulled himself up, he became hyper aware of every muscle in his body, screaming at him to stop. They were trying to tell him that he wasn't meant to do this. 

He didn't listen. 

Eric stood, the first time in a while, and immediately braced his entire weight against the counter, knees buckling and hitting the cabinets gently. He was already tired. Already winded. He thought about calling for Sangyeon, the name hanging right on the tip of his tongue.

He looked up, catching himself in the mirror and narrowed his eyes as his own reflection.

"Come on." Eric mumbled, "We haven't even taken a single step yet." 

Never letting go of the counter, Eric lifted his right foot slowly, feeling like it was being held down by not one anchor but a hundred, and stepped forward once. 

_One._

It couldn't be that much further. 

Six, maybe seven, steps maximum. 

His left foot was next, face screwing up in nothing short of agony as it lifted off the ground and found itself back down only a hair forward. 

Eric was going to count it anyway. 

_Two._

He heard Sangyeon laugh at something on the television and closed his eyes again, swallowing Sangyeon's name. He couldn't call for him. He couldn't do that. This was supposed to be a moment of freedom for Eric but really, it was for Sangyeon just the same. A moment without counting medicines, without picking up and putting down Eric's body, without cleaning, without cooking. 

"Alright." He whispered to himself, left hand reaching the end of the counter, "You can do this." 

He couldn't. 

Because _three_ found itself in the form of his muscles having enough of his rebellion against their screaming, sending him crashing onto the floor in the blink of an eye. He didn't cry at first, honestly he didn't really feel much of anything. A strange moment he'd never really experienced before, he remembered his dreams of flying. He imagined himself weightless amongst the clouds again. 

No muscle strain. No pain. No falling. 

Just floating. 

"Eric!" He could hear Sangyeon shout but still didn't open his eyes. He heard the rattle of his chair being roughly moved from the doorway. He felt Sangyeon's strong arms around him. 

And then. He cried. 

Eric moved quickly, quicker than he ever had, to cling to Sangyeon. His hands made fists in Sangyeon's t-shirt, his face buried in his chest. 

"Hey. Hey, look at me. Are you hurt?" 

Physically, no. Aside from his usual pain and the new, bubbling ache in his shoulder and wrists, he was fine. 

His emotions, his ego, his pride.

That was a different story. 

Sangyeon shifted their bodies, leaning his back against the cabinets and holding Eric in his lap. His arms were tight but still somehow gentle around him, hands rubbing over his side and arms. 

Eric managed to find his voice, wet and heavy with sobs, and let out a string of bumbling apologies. One after the other after the other. Spilling out of him like he'd been holding it in for years. And maybe he had. 

Sangyeon hushed him, a little harshness in his tone, and pulled Eric away from him. He couldn't look up. He couldn't let go. 

"Eric. Look at me." 

"I can't." 

There was a small sigh before two strong hands held his face, gently lifting his gaze up. 

"Talk to me. What are you apologizing for? For falling? You don't have to say sorry for th–" 

"For everything." Eric cut him off, maybe too loudly as Sangyeon's eyes widened for a moment before relaxing again just as quickly, "I'm sorry I can't do this. I'm sorry I can't do anything. I'm sorry you're wasting all your time with me." 

The sobs that came out of him were painful, rocking his entire chest and threatening to choke him as he spoke the words that had spiraled around his mind for so long, "I'm sorry nothing is normal and you always have to take care of me. I'm sorry for being like this." 

Eric noticed the way Sangyeon's eyes started to gleam in a painful way. The way that they only did when he cried. Eric had only seen Sangyeon cry three times before. And never over him. Never _because_ of him. Just another thing to apologize for, his mind screamed at him. Another thing Eric had done to him. 

Of course. 

As he should've known. 

It wasn't that.

It was _different._

"Eric." Sangyeon breathed out, tightening his hands on Eric's face while still holding him like precious glass, "I can't even begin to explain to you how wrong you are. I never in my life want to hear you apologize to me like that again. I'm not _wasting my time_ with you. I love you, you know that, right? You have to. Everything in my life, every move I ever made, lead me to you. Lead me to even this moment right here, no matter how painful it is." Sangyeon swallowed thickly, possibly his own breaking sobs and Eric blinked harshly, trying to see clear through his watery vision. 

Their foreheads were connected again, Sangyeon wrapping his arms around Eric's body and pulling him close. 

Chest to chest. Hands on Sangyeon's shoulders. 

The warmest place in the world. 

The safest place in the world. 

"I didn't know who I was before I met you. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. It's this. It's you. It's always been you. You are not a waste of time. You're not a problem. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me." 

Eric didn't have to imagine clouds this time. Didn't have to make up stars in his mind.

They were right in front of him. 

Clouds in Sangyeon's words and stars born with each beat of his heart. 

Eric hiccupped lightly, causing both of them to breathe out small laughs, and he opened his eyes again. He saw Sangyeon. 

He always did. 

"Promise?" He asked, foolishly. He knew the answer. 

"I promise." Sangyeon said without hesitation. 

"I love you so much." Eric dipped his head back into Sangyeon's neck, his sadness replaced with swift embarrassment, "You can't ever leave." 

A real laugh came from Sangyeon, draping Eric in a blanket of warmth, "I'd never even dream of it. You're stuck with me forever. Hey, remember what you told me Haseul said? This was just a trial, right? You didn't fail, okay. If anything, I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry it didn't work out this time." 

"I don't think I want to try again soon." 

He felt Sangyeon nod a few times, knowing it was probably out of relief. 

Sangyeon didn't hate many things.

He was kind and gracious, patient and understanding. Almost to a fault. 

But Eric knew that the one thing that filled him with the most emotion, the most upset, the most _hate_ , was seeing Eric in pain. 

"That's alright. I'm proud of you regardless." 

Those words made Eric close his eyes, a smile finding his lips again. He was hit with a realization after a few silent moments passed. 

"Can you do me a favor?" He whispered, mirroring Sangyeon's question from before and glancing up as Sangyeon looked down at him. 

"Always." 

"Can we cancel the plans tonight? I don't really want to be around people." 

"Honestly?" Sangyeon hugged Eric tightly, childishly rocking him back and forth, laughter spilling from Eric in a fit, "I'm so glad you said that. I would love nothing more than to just be with you." 

He said it like it meant nothing, because to him, it wasn't really a big deal. But it stuck to Eric's mind, cemented itself into his heart. Sangyeon wanted nothing more than to just be with him. Tonight. Tomorrow. Next week. Next year. 

Forever. 

And Eric trusted him. Eric believed him. 

Because unlike his body that failed him, unlike his mind that betrayed him. Unlike the world that saw him as nothing more than a broken toy with no tricks. 

Sangyeon and his love were _different._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading
> 
> this one was a bit emotional for me  
> and personal as always 
> 
> heres my [twitter](https://twitter.com/ADACHIMVTH) if you'd like
> 
> comments kudos always appreciated <3  
> thanks again!


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